Feelings in Yo-Yo!

I am sure that all this is familiar to everyone who has been diagnozed with Cancer of any kind.. this good day-bad day yo-yo! 

Last Saturday, while having our first Sunday Roast of the weekend, Jerry was a little overwhelmed with all he is feeling about our situation. We turned that around by thinking of Dr Lawen’s positive comments on my case.. so that Sunday, we had a good day.  Monday, unfortunately due to a comment made in good faith on this blog, I panicked and got very upset, which took me back to my GP, to talk over my situation, my health background, my symptoms (none), and what is planned for me.  He told me that my Chest X-ray is clear, which is more good news.   He then proceeded to tell me that every case is different, that everyone’s background, and symptoms are different, that I have to take things stage by stage. However he has said that he will make sure that my Pathology results will get seen by an Oncologist, and that we will get Dr Lawen to check out the mark on the Liver during surgery if at all possible, and take a biopsy.

So Tuesday was an uneventful day, and life seemed normal. Then to today, Jerry was very subdued, wasn’t even reading this morning, and quite unresponsive when I talked to him. So I just started feeling that I really need him to be ok for me, basically I need him to be strong for me.  When he took me to work, I was already a bit choked about that, and then the road was blocked right by work, and then the divertion was not marked, and there just didn’t seem to be a way in to the site, and so that was the ‘straw’ that set the flood gates off this morning. So I walked the last stretch to work across the parking lot with the tears rolling down my face, and knowing that I was totally over reacting to the situation.

A friend suggested that since sometimes music sets me off, and now this, that maybe I should go on anti-depressants, but don’t feel that I have got to that point yet.

I don’t think it helps that neither of us is really sleeping that well, so that we find we are not refreshed when it comes to morning.  As far as Jerry is concerned, he had wanted to speak to his Mum on the weekend, but for some reason he only got to speak to his step dad, and his Mum is the one person I think he feels he can talk to about how he is feeling.

I know this blog is all about me, and probably seeming to be totally selfish, but at this point in time I feel entitled to be selfish, and to be totally thinking about what is happening to me.  I have read other blogs by Kidney Cancer patients or carers, and they are inspriring, and there to guide other people through what they may face during their treatment. I like to think that down the road that my blog will be more like that, and will be of help to other KC sufferers.

And Comments are still most welcome, I would like to think that the blog is read by others.

Posted under Gemma A S.

1 Comment so far

  1. Manuel Lopez September 26, 2008 3:51 am

    Ah, good days, bad days. The emotional yo-yo we all feel now and then. It will be 2 years for me in November and I get the same feelings every day. Some days are good, others less so. Still, we must power forward the best we can. At the end of each day, pat yourself on the back for having made it another day.

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